there are certain times that an analogy just explains a heart condition much better than anything else...
the other day, I was hanging out with Jordan, Josh, and Camille and much to our dismay, Camille dumped an entire box of purple nerds on the floor...Jordan was distraught because they were his and he thought he wasn't going to get another piece of candy...so naturally, we all got down on our knees to pick up the nerds and put them back in the box one by one...so, I said to Jordan, my 6 year old muse, that I felt like these nerds all scattered on the floor being picked up one at a time and put back in the box...to which Jordan's perplexed reaction is "You feel like a nerd?"...haha, funny story but it's a beautiful analogy for how I feel during this season of being dumped out and picked apart to the core.
As I was sitting in the waiting room at Massage envy this afternoon waiting to get an awesome massage, I was watching the tropical scene on the flat screen TV, the crystal blue waves crashing on the shore of this tropical paradise and I noticed the rocks in the sand being washed over time and time again by the beautiful water, some of the rocks staying put and some being tumbled about. If I was a rock, I'm not sure I'd be very happy about that situation. It's predictable but can't you just hear the rocks saying "brace yourself!" as the wave sweeps over them once more? or maybe they just relax and let the waves take them wherever they will. I want to learn to just relax, to not be afraid of the waves but to enjoy the steadfastness of them, to learn to trust in a God who is more constant than the waves on the shore of a tropical paradise. This, of course, made me think of a verse from Psalms "Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42:7-8. The Psalmist is talking about his "downcast soul" and the agony that he is feeling as he wrestles with seeing the purpose in the hard season he's in, a season that feels like being overcome by waves and breakers, but he ends the Psalm by reminding himself and us to put our hope in God despite the fact that 2 verses prior he's questioning God's very existence. What a raw and real emotional experience God paints for us in His word. It also made me think of the lyrics to a song that I love by NeedtoBreathe called "Something Beautiful"...
In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out
just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side.
Yeah, I know where I need to be but I can't figure out just how much air I need to breathe before the waves crash over me. The water is rising quick and I used to be scared of it and sometimes I still am, but since I can't be sure when it will subside, I just can't leave His side. I need to cling to his hand like a little girl who's terrified of and overwhelmed by the giant ocean but is willing to go in because her Dad is holding her hand and He says it's a good idea and she trusts Him.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
19 and counting..
I've been going through old journals. There are only 19 for the past 6 years, not counting the current one that I'm halfway through. no sweat, just some light reading. ha! But I came across an entry from 12/23/04 where I wrote out some things that I learned during the hardest semester of college. pretty much stream of consciousness..
"Christmas is in 2 days and it just doesn't feel like it. I'm not ready for another year to have flown by. This was by far the hardest semester of my life but I learned so much, I was floored by truth so much and I learned how to believe you. I learned that relationships change--some good, some bad, but all different and none can satisfy my apart from the Lord. He has to satisfy me because He is it, He's the only one capable. I learned that honesty is hard but good and freeing and necessary in relationships with people. I learned that grades are not eternal but that God works even in school. I learned that discipline is an entirely different lifestyle and a lifestyle change would be in order for me to be disciplined but more than that, I learned that it's about obedience. It's about following Christ and being obedient regardless of the cost. It's not about how much you know...it really is about this man named Jesus, the cross He died on, and the grace and freedom that ensued. I learned that I just love people and talking to them about things that matter. and I learned that you don't always get to talk about things that matter and that has to be ok. I learned that true friendship and accountability is priceless and truly a gift from the Lord. I learned that my heart is weak by itself but strong with Jesus and apparently I have some amount of pride that joins envy in rearing its ugly head quite often. I also learned what it's like to know a certain amount of freedom in these things because of Christ and because I have no desire to have a yoke if it's not necessary. I learned that planned time is sometimes better than spontaneous time and vice versa. We need both. I learned that there are people who think like me and understand my thought process, and people that just don't. I learned that CO is not the end all, Christ is the end all. I learned that leadership is hard, really hard but really good. I learned that I need sleep to survive. I learned that I love scripture and I love knowing it. I learned that I love hugs and wrestling. I like to be close. I learned how easily we sink into habit and cease to engage the Lord. I became obsessed with Hosea and fell in love with 2 Corinthians. I learned the cleansing power of crying yourself to sleep or driving down a long road in silence or yelling. I laid flat on my face for most of the semester as I attempted to lay what I cling to at His feet, as I longed to grasp grace rather than forfeit it. I learned what it's like to be broken and then be scooped up and put back together, somehow ready to wake up yet another morning. I learned that hugs help but they don't fix the hurt and they don't change the fear. I learned how easy it is for good things to become bad when the Lord is second to them and I learned that no matter how hard you try to be something you're not, you'll always be you and you'll always be loved. I've grown to love email. I've learned a lot about me, a lot about why I do things, and why I think things. I've learned about my insecurities and how they hinder my walk with the Lord. I've learned that I love being real and hate being fake. I've come to adore the starry host blanket and my green pea coat. I love pictures more. I run away less. I like to hide because it's much easier than explaining but I always want to be found and found out. I've grown to love hard questions from both ends and crave being challenged. I've learned that God is constant and faithful when I'm a nervous wreck and unfaithful and disloyal and disobedient. He calls me back and offers me life. I learned that believing Him isn't safe but it's worth it."
that semester was hard. really hard. and it's crazy how many of those things I've been re-learning since and will probably be re-learning for the rest of my life. praise God that He pursues us even in our mess. our God is a Healer.
"Christmas is in 2 days and it just doesn't feel like it. I'm not ready for another year to have flown by. This was by far the hardest semester of my life but I learned so much, I was floored by truth so much and I learned how to believe you. I learned that relationships change--some good, some bad, but all different and none can satisfy my apart from the Lord. He has to satisfy me because He is it, He's the only one capable. I learned that honesty is hard but good and freeing and necessary in relationships with people. I learned that grades are not eternal but that God works even in school. I learned that discipline is an entirely different lifestyle and a lifestyle change would be in order for me to be disciplined but more than that, I learned that it's about obedience. It's about following Christ and being obedient regardless of the cost. It's not about how much you know...it really is about this man named Jesus, the cross He died on, and the grace and freedom that ensued. I learned that I just love people and talking to them about things that matter. and I learned that you don't always get to talk about things that matter and that has to be ok. I learned that true friendship and accountability is priceless and truly a gift from the Lord. I learned that my heart is weak by itself but strong with Jesus and apparently I have some amount of pride that joins envy in rearing its ugly head quite often. I also learned what it's like to know a certain amount of freedom in these things because of Christ and because I have no desire to have a yoke if it's not necessary. I learned that planned time is sometimes better than spontaneous time and vice versa. We need both. I learned that there are people who think like me and understand my thought process, and people that just don't. I learned that CO is not the end all, Christ is the end all. I learned that leadership is hard, really hard but really good. I learned that I need sleep to survive. I learned that I love scripture and I love knowing it. I learned that I love hugs and wrestling. I like to be close. I learned how easily we sink into habit and cease to engage the Lord. I became obsessed with Hosea and fell in love with 2 Corinthians. I learned the cleansing power of crying yourself to sleep or driving down a long road in silence or yelling. I laid flat on my face for most of the semester as I attempted to lay what I cling to at His feet, as I longed to grasp grace rather than forfeit it. I learned what it's like to be broken and then be scooped up and put back together, somehow ready to wake up yet another morning. I learned that hugs help but they don't fix the hurt and they don't change the fear. I learned how easy it is for good things to become bad when the Lord is second to them and I learned that no matter how hard you try to be something you're not, you'll always be you and you'll always be loved. I've grown to love email. I've learned a lot about me, a lot about why I do things, and why I think things. I've learned about my insecurities and how they hinder my walk with the Lord. I've learned that I love being real and hate being fake. I've come to adore the starry host blanket and my green pea coat. I love pictures more. I run away less. I like to hide because it's much easier than explaining but I always want to be found and found out. I've grown to love hard questions from both ends and crave being challenged. I've learned that God is constant and faithful when I'm a nervous wreck and unfaithful and disloyal and disobedient. He calls me back and offers me life. I learned that believing Him isn't safe but it's worth it."
that semester was hard. really hard. and it's crazy how many of those things I've been re-learning since and will probably be re-learning for the rest of my life. praise God that He pursues us even in our mess. our God is a Healer.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
McAngus burger!!!
"what kind of face would a hamburger make?" -Ellen
Once upon a time, my roommate was a hamburger...a McAngus burger to be exact :)
Once upon a time, my roommate was a hamburger...a McAngus burger to be exact :)
reexamining worth
My finger on the pulse of reality
a depth too great to embrace
barren emptiness without definition
spoken only in the language of the soul
Tears wrung out of a fragile heart
as bricks stacked high dissolve
laying bare emotion for scrutiny
freeing layers of comfortable fear
A gentle hand holds steady
the sign post, the mirror, the light
as love and wisdom fill where
confusion and fear have reigned
A battle rages, balance the prize,
for a delicate line that bewilders reason
and a wholeness that eludes
even the brightest mind
A bottomless pool seemed shallow
in the presence of blinded eyes
profound weight kept distant
bears heavy on the heart
Liberation taunts, promising much
with familiar bondage close behind
Love's definition precarious
on the edge of shame and loss
Despair shouts at the top of its lungs
while hope whispers softly
audible against the chaos
not yet tangible beyond the wall
Grace upon grace bestowed around
unfathomable streams of love
support and clarity filter through dusty lenses
where worth is reexamined at long last
a depth too great to embrace
barren emptiness without definition
spoken only in the language of the soul
Tears wrung out of a fragile heart
as bricks stacked high dissolve
laying bare emotion for scrutiny
freeing layers of comfortable fear
A gentle hand holds steady
the sign post, the mirror, the light
as love and wisdom fill where
confusion and fear have reigned
A battle rages, balance the prize,
for a delicate line that bewilders reason
and a wholeness that eludes
even the brightest mind
A bottomless pool seemed shallow
in the presence of blinded eyes
profound weight kept distant
bears heavy on the heart
Liberation taunts, promising much
with familiar bondage close behind
Love's definition precarious
on the edge of shame and loss
Despair shouts at the top of its lungs
while hope whispers softly
audible against the chaos
not yet tangible beyond the wall
Grace upon grace bestowed around
unfathomable streams of love
support and clarity filter through dusty lenses
where worth is reexamined at long last
Saturday, October 16, 2010
family time
I've been spending a lot of time being an aunt to some pretty sweet little kiddos who are steadily stealing more and more of my heart the more I get to know their little hearts and personalities...I never knew how much I could love Saturday morning soccer games, slimy halfway chewed cheez-its, empty capri sun pouches, wrestling complete with grassy hair, infinitely interesting kiddie conversation, post-nap cuddling, Mcdonalds playplace, silly bands, kid catechism songs, superhero talk, hugs and kisses that just say "I'm glad you're around," and my sweet camera that lets me capture their awesomeness on film :)
Hashimoto the great
Drodgen the wonderful
Camilley, my best friend (and the cutest little princess in the universe)
Hashimoto the great
Drodgen the wonderful
Camilley, my best friend (and the cutest little princess in the universe)
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