there is so much I want to say. but tonight, I'm intrigued by silence.

feeling creative

I might as well come clean and admit that I'm intimidated by my own blog. ok, maybe I'm intimidated by my own expectations for my own blog. More often than not, I find myself in a mental wrestling match with the finger that controls the mouse on my laptop, which usually ends with a tv show on hulu and the defeating admission that I'm not "feeling" creative today. Maybe I'll blog tomorrow.

I want to be an artist. I want to create beauty. and I want this blog to be an outlet, a canvas where words come together to tell a story. my story. I have a long way to go but I think I might be finally beginning to start to believe a tiny bit that my story might be worth being told. I don't think that beginning tiny bit of maybe is quite enough to launch me into the freedom that it will take for me to really be honest on these pages but here's hoping that God is doing something grand.

this week I've loved the lyrics to this amazing hymn. someone that I love a lot suggested that the chorus might be my theme song this season.

Jesus I am resting, resting
In the Joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power
Thou hast made me whole.

Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

O how great Thy loving kindness.
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O how marvelous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings;
Thine is love indeed!

Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth's dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father's glory,
Sunshine of my Father's face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting;
Fill me with Thy grace.

Oh, how I long to discover the greatness of my Savior's loving heart.

Romans 8:1

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

don't beat yourself up. there's no condemnation. only forgiveness.

is it worth it?

I almost made it out of the hospital this morning without having to feel. I spent the dreaded night shift with 2 of my favorite people, with fairly easy (and cute) patients, with few moments of "night shift despair" and then we ran into her. On our way out we noticed the mom of a sweet little 6-year-old boy we've been taking care of just sobbing on the phone in front of the elevators. We didn't recognize her at first because she had her head in her hands and her long hair covered her tear-stricken face. but her zebra print danskos gave her away. when she looked up, our hearts sank and we knew immediately that the news wasn't good. She looked panicked, terrified, devastated, angry, wounded, and worried, her eyes begging for answers. Answers that may never come. Stage 4 glioblastoma. Today it sounds so foreign but the name will shape their days for months to come. 4 days ago, he was "normal". 4 days ago he started limping. 4 days ago, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. yesterday, they named it. it's ugly, really ugly, but it's not something we haven't seen before, we can fight it. but the fight is almost as ugly as the tumor itself. why? my 2 friends sat with this mom and uttered words of strength to her as she cried. they reminded her that she's stronger than she thinks she is. they assured her the answers would come. they hugged her. they saw her and loved her. just like Jesus saw the woman at the well, and the widow who had lost her son, and the centurion whose daughter was dying. They didn't discount her pain, but they gently spoke strength and hope and power into her helplessness. What a beautiful picture of compassion.

We don't know the answers. That's the hardest part. There are SO many questions and so few answers. but it's days like these that I wonder how people make it through these kinds of things without Jesus. I know I couldn't do my job without his hope, his strength, his love. not even for a second. Sometimes I wonder how long I can take it..

There's a long road ahead of them, with detours we can't expect or predict. Today is day one of many days of sadness, fear, and fighting. Today is day one of a little boy fighting for his life. and I just have a feeling this one's gonna win.

Nothing.

Whatever you've done, wherever you've been, whatever you will do, God loves you. He always has and you can't change that. Sometimes that little thing seems like everything and it seems like we just can't get away from it and we have no idea what to do with our shame so we run away and we hide under the covers and we keep hiding. we don't know where to go or what to do. but in Romans 8 it says that there's nothing we can ever do to separate us from the love of God in Jesus. Nothing. so may you stop hiding under the covers, may you let God pull the covers back, may you embrace Him, may your whole life become a response to the truth that you have always been loved, you are loved, and you always will be loved. and may you know, may you know deep in your soul that there's nothing you could ever do to make Him love you any less. there's nothing you could ever do to make God love you less. Nothing.

-rob bell in "Lump"

one-way love

God’s grace to you dismantles the beliefs that give disgrace life. Grace re-creates what violence destroyed. One-way love is the change agent you need. Grace transforms and heals; and healing comes by hearing God’s statements to you, not speaking your own statements to yourself.
-Holcomb

Someone told me once, "Amy, stop trying to be your own therapist"..stop trying to analyze and explain and justify to yourself, instead just listen to what God has to say to you. that's where healing comes from.

weddings galore

on the first day of the year, my precious friend Rebecca married one of the sweetest men of God I've ever met. It was pure joy to hand her to him knowing that he will love her so well. She wore her mom's wedding dress and veil, originally worn in 1978! and she was strikingly beautiful. We had so much fun together, rejoicing over what God has done in the past 8 years that we've known each other and getting excited about what He has still to come! and I took some pictures :)