What is it about January 1st that causes us to take the time look back, examine, evaluate, and analyze the previous year. It's as if we get a fresh start, a chance to do things differently or turn a corner. In God's kingdom, we get fresh starts and second chances no matter what date is on the calendar but there's still something about a new year that feels substantial and significant.
Tonight as I was driving home from a fondue party with friends (yum!), I just felt God nudging me to turn off my music and reflect with him for a few minutes. So I just prayed over this past year and I realized that my initial instinct was to beg God to make 2013 easier than 2012. I wanted to beg him to give me the desires of my heart in 2013, to let some exciting and fun things happen, to let me stop struggling. But, as I thought and prayed through this past year, I realized that the hard things, however abundant, have been God's way of teaching me to trust him. The truth is, this year, my heart has seen the school of suffering in so many ways.
There are so many songs that could be the theme song for this year but I think Audrey Assad wins it again with "Wherever You Go." The lyrics to the song are:
There's a train leaving your heart tonight.
There's a silence inside your head and you're running you're running from it.
Down the tracks on a midnight line.
There's a red moon in the sky and you're running you're running from it.
But I'm coming for you, coming for you, wherever you go.
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go.
Wrestling angels till dawn breaks through
There's a blessing in the wound and you're running you're running from it.
When all your demons are at your door
it's a soldier they're looking for and you're running you're running from it.
But I'm coming for you, coming for you, wherever you go.
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go.
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go
Across the sea, the space between everything you think you know,
the things you keep and bury deep underneath the melting snow -
I'll follow.
Fathers & mothers don't always come through,
but I'm never gonna stop following you
Prophets and lovers don't always hold true,
but I'm never gonna stop falling for you
So, when your wine's all gone and your well runs dry,
Open your hands and look into my eyes; all that you see here,
you'll soon leave behind, so open your hands and look into my eyes
'cause I'm coming for you, coming for you wherever you go
I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go
Fathers & mothers don't always come through,
but I'm never gonna stop following you
Prophets and lovers don't always hold true,
but I'm never gonna stop falling for you
One of my favorite lines is, "wrestling angels till dawn breaks through, there's a blessing in the wound." How would I live in this world if there wasn't a blessing in the wound? I think Audrey is referring to the story where Jacob is left alone in the wilderness right before he meets Esau. A man wrestles him through the night. Jacob's opponent realizes that he will not overpower Jacob so he touches his hip and wounds him permanently. The man tells Jacob to let go but Jacob clings to his opponent and says "I will not let you go until you bless me." I feel like I've been clinging by a thin thread, just begging God to bless me. And he really has. Not the way I thought he would or the way my fallen heart would've chosen but in the best way.
This year, I've felt like my wine's all gone and my well has run dry...and I've heard my Savior over and over again call me to open my hands and look into his eyes...and each time he's told me "all that you see here, you'll soon leave behind.." This place is not your home..
So, you see, it's a blessing that I don't feel at home here. This place is not my home. He's coming for me, no matter where I go and He's never going to stop following me and He's never going to stop falling for me.
One day, I'll be face to face with my Savior in glory and I won't be sad or overwhelmed anymore, my joints won't hurt, my pancreas will work, my body will be healed and new! I will be able to sing beautifully in any key I can imagine and even some I can't, I will have energy and get to expend it all on worshiping my Rescuer! and I'll probably be a gardener or an artist because there will be no sick kids for me to take care of...Oh how I long for that day...
But, tonight, even as I long for that day, I am also thanking God for the ways that he has let me see His kingdom come here on this earth. I'm thankful that he gives me glimpses of the fulfillment of that promise. I'm thankful that each day, each month, each year, while I see more of the effects of the Fall on this broken world, I also see more of the Fall being pushed back, more redemption and restoration coming to fruition.
Suffering isn't fun. It doesn't feel good. I'm still not sure I would've chosen that if I were God. But, I'm not God for a very good reason. God knows so much more than I do and somehow in the midst of all the hardship and trial and sickness and grief, He has drawn me closer to Him. He has taught me to lean into him in a way that I didn't know before. He's shown me his goodness, his ability, and his delight in providing abundantly for my every need. He has made his love and his presence feel real to me in a way that I haven't felt before. He keeps keeping his promise again and again that he knows me and he loves me and he surrounds me and hems me in and delights in me and rejoices over me and embraces me as his daughter.
Things are still hard and there are things that I long for that I don't have and things that I have that I'd return if I could...but, I have a Father who is coming for me no matter where I go..
Psalm 139 and Isaiah 54 have gotten me through this year.
Psalm 139 says:
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Isaiah 54 says:
“Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
5 For your Maker is your husband—
the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The Lord will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected,” says your God.
7 “For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the Lord your Redeemer.
He is working on making the night shine like the day. He's pressing into my soul the truth that I don't have to be afraid because He has taken away my shame. He is my Redeemer and he looks on me with deep compassion and everlasting kindness. However dark the path seems at times, that darkness isn't the least bit dark to him. Jesus is the light that confuses the darkness, that shines so brightly that the darkness flees. He's the light that existed before the world was formed and the one who holds it all together. He's the one who wrote every one of my days in his book before even one of them came to be and the one who promised to finish the work that he started in me. So, may 2013 be a year of worship, a year of trusting him even more, a year of running hard after my Redeemer and resting in him, knowing that He loves me and He's coming for me...
