little blue butterfly

wow, if I ever needed to process a day at work, today would be the day.

Every time I explain to someone that I'm a pediatric nurse, the reaction is the same: "that must be really hard! don't you get emotionally attached?" Well, the answer is yes, emotional attachment is inevitable and mostly a good thing in my line of work but I've been extremely blessed in my first year and a half of nursing to not lose any kids that were especially close. Today, I had my first taste of what it might be like to lose one someday. and I still had to work a full shift.

The first thing I heard when I got to work this morning was that one of my favorite cystic fibrosis patients had a terrible night, couldn't breathe, went to the intensive care unit, and they were still wondering whether or not they would have to intubate her. Intubation for this sweet young lady would unfortunately be a last ditch effort and there is an extremely slim to non-existent chance that she would ever recover from it. She is precious to me. as close as family. We call her our little blue butterfly. She has a heart of gold and is often caring for us even more than we are caring for her. She was the first pediatric patient I ever took care of as a nursing student and was a huge influence on my decision to become a peds nurse. I've spent many hours reading to her, playing cards with her, watching the Disney channel, eating NC BBQ, snuggling, discussing life, and just loving on and being loved by her. So, all that to say, the day started off a little rocky. After what seemed like hours of uncertainty about what had actually happened to her and constant begging the Lord to work a miracle on the 5th floor of the hospital, we finally got some reliable information from our manager! She is in the ICU, and she is in extremely critical condition but they were able to give her steroids to avoid intubating her! praise the Lord! keep praying, this is going to be a long road for her and for all the rest of us..

not home yet.

Tonight while talking to my sweet roommate, I was reminded of one of my favorite songs. Since I heard this song my sophomore year of college, I have referred to it as my "life theme song" and I think to this day, it holds true.

"One of These days" -Jill Paquette

It's been so long, said it's been too long
Can't remember when I've felt so known
You're so warm; shelter me from the storm
And the fears that are just so cold

They're telling me things get messy when you care
Things are messy everywhere
And don't I know it, don't I show it
Every time I look away
'cause what can I do what can I say
To help myself
Or to help anybody else?

You meet me in my need
You bring new life to me
And you go beyond what I feel
Your life brought more than freedom
Your love brought time just what I needed
To see I needed You

One of these days it will be easier to mean what I say
If I remember each and every day
That this world is not my home and I never walk alone
And before time began my days were known by You

You meet me in my need
You bring new life to me
And you go beyond what I feel
Your life brought more than freedom
Your love brought time just what I needed
To see I needed You

One of these days it will be easier to mean what I say
If I remember each and every day
That this world is not my home and I never walk alone
And before time began my days were known by You


I like the part where she says "If I remember each and every day that this world is not my home" because it reminds me that I'm not home yet. There's always this feeling that something's missing and sometimes I think that if I can just figure it out, if I can just sort through all the crap in my head, if I can just be healthy, if I can just do x-y-z, then I'll finally feel complete and whole and healed...but that's a lie. Even if I did everything perfectly, which is impossible, it still wouldn't feel right because this isn't home. this isn't the end of the journey, there's more! there's real healing and real wholeness and real fulfillment face-to-face with Jesus for all of eternity...apparently, God just has some things he wants me to do here for a short time until He calls me home..

Today I had an awesome day. I was alone for most of the day, just resting and spending time with the Lord. What sweet time it was to just be and to not feel like I needed to be going and doing and thinking constantly for my time to be worth something. I did put my clothes away and clean my room but I did a lot of sitting and watching movies and journaling. and I even got Moe's for dinner! It was just a good day. Praise the Lord for the freedom to have a day like today..

all the nations..

Well, I guess since I've officially started the application process to move overseas and started talking to people about it, it's time to blog about it. Don't worry, it's gonna be about 2 years before I actually get to go...there's much to be done before I get on a plane of any kind.

As of now, I'm in the very beginning stages of the process. filling out the application. the very long and intense application, might I add. and talking/emailing with the medical recruiter at MTW. the next step is to get in touch with the team leaders in the countries I'm thinking/praying about. My first one will be India and from what I've heard, the vision for the team and the time spent there is awesome. so, we'll see...

a random assortment of thought

I sat down with the intention to check my email and be done with my computer but I somehow made it to this little empty box so, I guess I'll fill it with thoughts. :)

I miss my friends. the ones who've up and left me this summer. I'm learning a lot from it and the Lord is providing and blessing my alone time. but I still miss my friends.

today I floated to the PICU at work. It was exciting in some ways but also pretty nerve-wracking in many other areas. I felt like I was learning new things but I'm not a huge fan of learning things one moment and being responsible for them the next. or being responsible for something I have never seen and know nothing about. that's always good for a little dose of panic. alas, I survived my 4-hour stint in Intensive Care and I'm reminded how much I love my unit and the kids I take care of. the kid I took care of today in the PICU will eventually make it to my unit but in a few days he'll be a little less fragile with about 5 fewer tubes of access into his body. that's how I like them. I am so very thankful for my job. I'm so spoiled to have had this awesome of a job for my first experience as a nurse.

I'm pondering moving overseas. I think it might actually happen. stay tuned for more info to come.

I love skype.

KFC potato wedges are going to be the death of me and my efforts to make wise food choices. but they are SO yummy...

should I join a gym? I can't decide if I'll actually go or not. nor am I sure that I have the money to do such things.

k, my eyes are droopy. time for bed.

an easy yoke

i set out to explain the meaning of my last post but then i realized that there was so much that i could say about freedom that i'd be here typing for quite some time. Just the mention of the word freedom evokes such longing in my heart, it's the kind of longing where a knot builds up in your throat and your stomach jumps at the anticipation of something beautiful or exciting or long-awaited.

i was talking to a friend tonight about freedom and what it looks like or doesn't look like in the body of Christ these days. I think we miss out on a lot of freedom in Christ because of the expectations we put on ourselves, our time, our relationships. how often do we leave time with other believers feeling guilty that we didn't ask enough heart questions, or we didn't really make them feel loved, or we didn't "speak enough truth" to them? how often do we forget to just enjoy each other's company because we are so focused on "knowing" each other deeply or asking the right questions? it's amazing how much we bind ourselves to, even in the midst of being given the greatest freedom ever known to man. we are cherished and loved and sought after by the God of the universe, he did everything we could ever need to do and more and we're constantly worried that we aren't doing enough. we're foolish Galatians who think that we're perfecting ourselves by the flesh instead of being perfected by the Spirit..

I am so thankful for the little joys that God has blessed me with this week. it's been a hard week but the Lord has provided for me in ways that i wouldn't have even known to ask.

my goal the rest of this week (and maybe the rest of my life) is to pray for God to teach me what it looks like to really be free because of His strong love for me. I think I've lived long enough to realize that I can't figure that one out on my own.

right now, I know 2 things. 1. real freedom comes from Jesus. and 2. I'm a huge mess.