Wednesday, November 10, 2010

19 and counting..

I've been going through old journals. There are only 19 for the past 6 years, not counting the current one that I'm halfway through. no sweat, just some light reading. ha! But I came across an entry from 12/23/04 where I wrote out some things that I learned during the hardest semester of college. pretty much stream of consciousness..

"Christmas is in 2 days and it just doesn't feel like it. I'm not ready for another year to have flown by. This was by far the hardest semester of my life but I learned so much, I was floored by truth so much and I learned how to believe you. I learned that relationships change--some good, some bad, but all different and none can satisfy my apart from the Lord. He has to satisfy me because He is it, He's the only one capable. I learned that honesty is hard but good and freeing and necessary in relationships with people. I learned that grades are not eternal but that God works even in school. I learned that discipline is an entirely different lifestyle and a lifestyle change would be in order for me to be disciplined but more than that, I learned that it's about obedience. It's about following Christ and being obedient regardless of the cost. It's not about how much you really is about this man named Jesus, the cross He died on, and the grace and freedom that ensued. I learned that I just love people and talking to them about things that matter. and I learned that you don't always get to talk about things that matter and that has to be ok. I learned that true friendship and accountability is priceless and truly a gift from the Lord. I learned that my heart is weak by itself but strong with Jesus and apparently I have some amount of pride that joins envy in rearing its ugly head quite often. I also learned what it's like to know a certain amount of freedom in these things because of Christ and because I have no desire to have a yoke if it's not necessary. I learned that planned time is sometimes better than spontaneous time and vice versa. We need both. I learned that there are people who think like me and understand my thought process, and people that just don't. I learned that CO is not the end all, Christ is the end all. I learned that leadership is hard, really hard but really good. I learned that I need sleep to survive. I learned that I love scripture and I love knowing it. I learned that I love hugs and wrestling. I like to be close. I learned how easily we sink into habit and cease to engage the Lord. I became obsessed with Hosea and fell in love with 2 Corinthians. I learned the cleansing power of crying yourself to sleep or driving down a long road in silence or yelling. I laid flat on my face for most of the semester as I attempted to lay what I cling to at His feet, as I longed to grasp grace rather than forfeit it. I learned what it's like to be broken and then be scooped up and put back together, somehow ready to wake up yet another morning. I learned that hugs help but they don't fix the hurt and they don't change the fear. I learned how easy it is for good things to become bad when the Lord is second to them and I learned that no matter how hard you try to be something you're not, you'll always be you and you'll always be loved. I've grown to love email. I've learned a lot about me, a lot about why I do things, and why I think things. I've learned about my insecurities and how they hinder my walk with the Lord. I've learned that I love being real and hate being fake. I've come to adore the starry host blanket and my green pea coat. I love pictures more. I run away less. I like to hide because it's much easier than explaining but I always want to be found and found out. I've grown to love hard questions from both ends and crave being challenged. I've learned that God is constant and faithful when I'm a nervous wreck and unfaithful and disloyal and disobedient. He calls me back and offers me life. I learned that believing Him isn't safe but it's worth it."

that semester was hard. really hard. and it's crazy how many of those things I've been re-learning since and will probably be re-learning for the rest of my life. praise God that He pursues us even in our mess. our God is a Healer.

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