a season

there are certain times that an analogy just explains a heart condition much better than anything else...

the other day, I was hanging out with Jordan, Josh, and Camille and much to our dismay, Camille dumped an entire box of purple nerds on the floor...Jordan was distraught because they were his and he thought he wasn't going to get another piece of candy...so naturally, we all got down on our knees to pick up the nerds and put them back in the box one by one...so, I said to Jordan, my 6 year old muse, that I felt like these nerds all scattered on the floor being picked up one at a time and put back in the box...to which Jordan's perplexed reaction is "You feel like a nerd?"...haha, funny story but it's a beautiful analogy for how I feel during this season of being dumped out and picked apart to the core.

As I was sitting in the waiting room at Massage envy this afternoon waiting to get an awesome massage, I was watching the tropical scene on the flat screen TV, the crystal blue waves crashing on the shore of this tropical paradise and I noticed the rocks in the sand being washed over time and time again by the beautiful water, some of the rocks staying put and some being tumbled about. If I was a rock, I'm not sure I'd be very happy about that situation. It's predictable but can't you just hear the rocks saying "brace yourself!" as the wave sweeps over them once more? or maybe they just relax and let the waves take them wherever they will. I want to learn to just relax, to not be afraid of the waves but to enjoy the steadfastness of them, to learn to trust in a God who is more constant than the waves on the shore of a tropical paradise. This, of course, made me think of a verse from Psalms "Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42:7-8. The Psalmist is talking about his "downcast soul" and the agony that he is feeling as he wrestles with seeing the purpose in the hard season he's in, a season that feels like being overcome by waves and breakers, but he ends the Psalm by reminding himself and us to put our hope in God despite the fact that 2 verses prior he's questioning God's very existence. What a raw and real emotional experience God paints for us in His word. It also made me think of the lyrics to a song that I love by NeedtoBreathe called "Something Beautiful"...

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out
just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side.

Yeah, I know where I need to be but I can't figure out just how much air I need to breathe before the waves crash over me. The water is rising quick and I used to be scared of it and sometimes I still am, but since I can't be sure when it will subside, I just can't leave His side. I need to cling to his hand like a little girl who's terrified of and overwhelmed by the giant ocean but is willing to go in because her Dad is holding her hand and He says it's a good idea and she trusts Him.