Friday, July 6, 2012

Diabetes wasn't really what I had planned. Not that it's ever what anyone has planned. It's a hard disease. It's a planner's disease and I am not a planner. I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, why-do-now-what-you-can-do-later kind of girl. Not anymore. I can't afford to not be prepared anymore.

I feel like I'm information, sadness, anger, uncertainty, fear, my own expectations of myself, doubt, stress...but in the midst of it all I'm learning about peace. God is teaching me to wait, to trust him when he says he sees me and knows what I need..

my world is carb counting and insulin and needles and doctors and dietitians and little booklets with numbers and pharmacies and structure and control..

I can't work because I can't see. my vision is blurry because for months, my body was trying to compensate for sugars over 500 by sucking fluid from all of my tissues, including my eyes, which changed the shape of my lenses. So now, we wait until my eyes decide they want to return to normal. I think it's God's grace in some ways because I'm not sure I'd be able to figure all of this out and stay sane and alive while working full time. If I'm honest, I'm scared to go back to work. I'm scared for my mom to leave because she's helping me so much. I'm scared to see how diabetes affects my normal life. I don't trust myself to do this well. What if I mess up? This isn't a game, this could be life or death. I had to teach my roommate to give me a shot yesterday just in case my sugar goes low and I pass out. She didn't sign up for that. And she's leaving for a week soon so I have to find someone to live with because it's not safe for me to be by myself yet. So much to think life is not my own..

I want so badly to honor God in all of this. I want to rest knowing that he is working everything together for my good and his glory. I want to grieve well with him not by running from him. I want to stay my mind on him because in him alone is perfect peace. I want to be a part of pushing back the fall, of seeing redemption happen in real life, of restoration and the bringing of peace.

Diabetes is part of my story whether I like it or not and it's not something that will ever be over. I'm wrestling and processing and grieving and breathing deeply...pressing into the Lord, soaking in his's all I can do to stay afloat..

There's this song that I love by All Sons and Daughters and one of the lines says "tomorrow's freedom is today's surrender"..surrender has always been hard for me...I like to hold onto things and people and moments and memories and I like to squeeze them tight..letting go is not my, if you're praying, pray that God would teach me to let go, to surrender to him because he loves me..

1 comment:

Laura Cline said...

Thanks for your honesty. I'm encouraged by your desire to surrender to the Lord in the midst of a difficult situation. Love you, friend.