Have you ever listened to a talk and felt every other body
in the room evaporate into thin air or melt into their chairs, all the while
wishing it were you evaporating or melting? All of a sudden it’s as if the
speaker’s eyes are boring holes into your soul. “This talk was written for me.
“ That happens to me often and lately God has been speaking to my soul using
various vehicles and what seems like magnified surround sound regarding shame.
When I heard that shame and guilt were the topics of the CCEF conference this
year, naturally, I was intrigued. My sometimes overly eager spirit of adventure
committed to going almost immediately, without regard to the eight -hour drive
or the distinct lack of company. I’ve had my moments of wishing someone were here
to process with me but I’ve also duly noted that it’s probably good for me to
be forced to be alone. I don’t do alone if I can help it but the truth is that the
times when I’m quiet and alone are the times when I’m forced to get real about
what’s really going on in my heart. Not to mention, God has been so gracious to
provide sweet time with precious college friends in my free time. J
Shame BEFORE Jesus.
So, Friday morning, Ed Welch, who is one of my literary and
counseling heroes spoke about shame before
Jesus. He examined what the Old Testament says about shame. Shame is the very first feature of the
Fall. It is the human dilemma yet it
is so rarely a part of our ecclesiastical conversation. Ed pointed out, as he
made his way through the Old Testament, that God has a unique affection for
people who struggle with shame. When he said that, what felt like hope leapt in
my heart and my head lifted from staring at my notes. I gazed toward the stage
for a second as if to ask, “really? Could that really be true?” I’ve never
thought about that before. It made my heart glad to hear him speak from lots of
the verses that I’ve been fighting to claim over my life this past few months. I
call them “my shame verses.” The beginning of Isaiah 54 where God talks about
being the husband of the desolate woman, promising that she will not suffer
shame or be humiliated have quickly become my life verses. This quote resonated in the deep places
of my heart: “When your Maker is your Husband, you will never cease to be pursued.” I’m in awe of how beautifully and
completely God meets our deepest needs and longings. Ed spoke directly to the
difference between shame and guilt. Both include a deep need for rescue and
salvation but shame adds a need for covering, inclusion, and cleansing. He went
on to explain that these things can only be secured in Jesus. “You touch the
Holy One and he touches you back.” We belong
to him. There is nothing more profound than that for someone who struggles with
shame. If you struggle with shame, then you are just the kind of person for
whom God is searching. As I was listening to Ed speak, I realized something
significant about my story. I absolutely love Ed’s book Depression, A Stubborn Darkness. So much so that I loaned it to
someone who still hasn’t given it back and I ordered a second copy
just in case. I’ve wondered for months why this book stands out among all of
the spiritual “Jesus books” I’ve read as one that profoundly helps me. The root of it is shame. I’ve struggled
with Major Depressive Disorder for most of my life but have felt, for the
majority of my 26 years, too much shame to admit that I need help beyond what I
can do to help myself. I've jumped back and forth between desperation and self-righteousness, medication and counseling, all the while drowning in shame and fear. When I read the 1st sentence of the 2nd
chapter in Ed’s book called "How Depression Feels," I felt inclusion for the
first time in the area of depression. I felt like he understood what I was
feeling and I realized for the first time that other people that God used in
mighty and powerful ways for His kingdom, shared my struggle. Shame is one of
the largest threads in my story, second only to the thread of the gospel that
rescues me from it. I’ve lived most of my life with a sense of failure, feeling
that somehow I just don’t measure up. I struggle with feeling like a fraud when
I experience success or a compliment of any kind because I deeply feel that I
don’t deserve success. I just never feel like I quite belong, like there’s
always something that’s just enough wrong with me that I don’t fit. But as Ed
pointed out in his talk, God’s story is the story of the naked covered, the
outcast accepted, the unclean thoroughly washed, and of honor, glory, holiness,
and beauty being bestowed upon his prized possession, ME. Even that sentence is
hard for me to write. My very nature resists that kind of love and honor even
though I know that it’s been bought with the precious blood of my Savior.
However, regardless of my resistance, reality is that I BELONG to him, he is
pursuing me. He breaks off my humiliation and I take on his reputation. In his
kingdom, there is NO way that shame has a permanent place. At the end of his
talk, Ed asked a question, “Do you feel dirty? Like you don’t belong?” If the
answer is yes then all of scripture is about you. He will chase you and love
you until you give up, lay it all down and say, “Ok, I trust you.” We take on
the name and reputation of the most honorable person who ever lived, Jesus
himself. To be blessed is to be shown favor. God doesn’t turn away from us in
disgust, He turns His face toward us.
He has a choice and he chooses to place his name on us and call us HIS people.
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