and so we walk...

I probably shouldn't write this right now due to a severe night shift hangover but I feel like writing and don't have the energy to get up and get my journal from my room. wow, I'm lazy.

Anyways, life is good. The past 2 months have been rough to say the very least but God is good and I feel like I'm surfacing on the other side a little wiser with a little more humility and an ever-increasing awareness of my lack of control and God's faithful keeping of my heart. There's this line from a JJ Heller song that plays in my head.."There is no place I can go where you don't already know how to reach right down and pull me out"...a truth that is sweet but hard to believe when you feel like the darkness is engulfing every tiny glimmer of hope. Circumstances suck sometimes and suffering is real but so is God. and He's more faithful and more constant and committed to giving life and pushing back the darkness and bringing freedom and joy in the midst of this fallen world. and I really do believe that even on the hard days. And God is still on His throne. And so we walk..

I'm not gonna lie, I'm weary. My heart feels like it's been soaked through, stepped on, tossed around, and wrung out. but God is making me new. and He makes beautiful things out of messes. and his ideas are much better than mine. every time.

how do people live in this world without knowing Jesus? I just don't get it..

this book.

I've been wanting to blog about this book I just read and am now re-reading for a long time but it's one of those things in life that is so big, so beautiful, so profound, so transformational that words just won't even begin to capture how God is using it to change my heart. He's using it to love me.

The book, One Thousand Gifts is written by a woman named Ann who is a farmer's wife, home-schooling mom to 6 children, and a lover of Jesus who is honest about the brokenness and loss that comes with living life and following Jesus. She is also a poet and her words paint pictures and capture beauty and mess in a way that very few do. The book is her story of thankfulness. A friend dared her to make a list of 1,000 gifts, 1,000 things she's thankful for and she had no idea how God would use the things on that list to convince her of His love.

so, I'm gonna start with a quote and I'm sure there will be many more thoughts to come--

"I, too, had read it often, the oft-quoted verse: 'And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Eph 5:20). And I, too, would nod and say straight-faced, "I'm thankful for everything." But in this counting gifts, to one thousand, more, I discover that slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life. A lifetime of sermons on "thanks in all things" and the shelves sagging with books on these things and I testify: life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time." p. 40

yeah, just go ahead and buy the book. it's worth it.

a timely poem

a friend sent me this today. if only she knew how much I needed to read it.

Light Shining out of Darkness

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill,
He treasures up His bright designs,
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan His work in vain:
God is His own interpreter,
And he will make it plain.

William Cowper
(1731 - 1800 Hertfordshire, England)

a big deal

Why am I awake right now? cause I'm still thinking. I'm thinking about how amazing it is that God loves me and that He knows exactly what I need to hear and when I need to hear it and how to get it to my stubborn ears and through my thick skull and eventually to my hard heart. I'm so thankful for my church. I was telling a friend tonight that Trinity Park is the first church I've ever been a part of where I feel like I can just rest and worship. I'm not worried about whether or not the music will be good or whether or not the words coming out of the pastor's mouth will be true or only half true or whether or not I'll leave feeling full or empty. My church feeds my soul. and I'm so humbled and grateful to be a part of something that is so steeped in the gospel and covered in prayer and Christ exalting. not to mention that I have never felt so loved and like I belong. and that is a very big deal.

there is so much I want to say. but tonight, I'm intrigued by silence.

feeling creative

I might as well come clean and admit that I'm intimidated by my own blog. ok, maybe I'm intimidated by my own expectations for my own blog. More often than not, I find myself in a mental wrestling match with the finger that controls the mouse on my laptop, which usually ends with a tv show on hulu and the defeating admission that I'm not "feeling" creative today. Maybe I'll blog tomorrow.

I want to be an artist. I want to create beauty. and I want this blog to be an outlet, a canvas where words come together to tell a story. my story. I have a long way to go but I think I might be finally beginning to start to believe a tiny bit that my story might be worth being told. I don't think that beginning tiny bit of maybe is quite enough to launch me into the freedom that it will take for me to really be honest on these pages but here's hoping that God is doing something grand.

this week I've loved the lyrics to this amazing hymn. someone that I love a lot suggested that the chorus might be my theme song this season.

Jesus I am resting, resting
In the Joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power
Thou hast made me whole.

Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

O how great Thy loving kindness.
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O how marvelous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings;
Thine is love indeed!

Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth's dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father's glory,
Sunshine of my Father's face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting;
Fill me with Thy grace.

Oh, how I long to discover the greatness of my Savior's loving heart.

Romans 8:1

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

don't beat yourself up. there's no condemnation. only forgiveness.