more Gratitude

25. cell phones

26. cherry coke zero

27. nalgenes

28. fun people to work with

29. slow days in the day hospital

30. busy days in the day hospital

31. a job that I love

32. french braids

33. pinterest

34. ice

35. that I'm allowed to wear t-shirts to work

36. prayer

37. text messages from new friends

38. Haley

39. walks in the beautiful weather

40. fresh fruit

41. blogs

42. mint.com

that's all for now..

Gratitude

I'm starting over because it's been so long that I can't remember what number I'm on...

1. lazy days
2. fresh fruit
3. a godly man who, for some reason, likes spending time with me
4. and isn't afraid of my mess
5. cell phones
6. text messages
7. hands that know how to hold
8. words even when they're confusing
9. blankets
10. family, even when they aren't related by blood
11. time to sleep
12. my friends who are loving people all over the world
13. the promise that God knows what's next
14. the process
15. long walks in beautiful weather with a friend I love
16. a smile worth like a billion dollars
17. books
18. encouraging birthday cards from far away friends
19. hugs
20. choices
21. salvation that isn't based on my merit but on the blood of my Savior
22. fresh flowers
23. beauty
24. forgiveness

a story worth telling

I love words. It's a love that began early and one that is rooted deep. no matter what I do, I always come back to my love for words. I'm a writer. and I hesitate to say that because I'm not sure that what I write is worth anything to anyone but me, but I'm working on figuring out who I am and I think writing plays a significant role in my story.

I've been reading this book. It's called To Be Told by Dan Allender. I've read Allender before and loved him. He speaks my heart language. but this book is different than any others I've read. It's a book about story. It's about reading your story, tracing themes that God has woven through your life, literally writing your story on paper, telling your story, allowing others to join in and edit your story, and joining God in writing the rest of your story. That being said, there is so much that I want to share about this book but I have a LOT of processing to do before I can even think about it myself, much less share it. and let's be honest, I have a lot of writing to do!

I read some of it tonight and I only have one chapter left but I have already started going back to the beginning and slowly going through each chapter, processing the ideas and attempting to write parts of my own story on paper. It's hard and substantially painful to put the words on paper. Something about putting it on paper makes it more real and forces me to acknowledge and feel the things I felt. "There is something about seeing your hurts and struggles in black and white that focuses the heart rather than allowing it to turn and flee. We are more naked and needy before words that we write than perhaps anywhere else." (p.129) but I'm still the only one who reads my journal. The real work comes when I share it with someone else. It's gonna be a long time before that can even begin to happen. Hopefully God will give me the courage to do that one day.

there are so many quotes that I could share on here but this is one that really struck me tonight:

"He builds burdens in us through our own experience of being orphaned, exiled, and widowed. And then he uses those losses to deepen our war with him which, of course, he wins again and again as we surrender to his goodness. In turn, he sends us to live out our burdens with those who need us but who, in the long run, end up bringing us more that we could ever offer them." (p.177)

more to come..

the day when I will finally be free

I don’t know how to follow you without losing my way
Jesus come and take me by the hand
I don’t know how to trust that you will do the things you say
Spirit teach me how to understand
That your love can heal the wreckage of my soul
The beauty of your light shining in me
I don’t know when you’ll take me home to paradise with you
The day when I will finally be free
Oh the day when you come back for me

-JJ Heller

this song puts words to how my heart feels right now.
I'm weary and desperate for Jesus to heal what feels like wreckage in my soul.
and I am waiting, waiting, waiting for freedom.
I don't know how to trust and rest in Jesus yet I want to so badly.
and I'm longing for home in the face-to-face presence of Jesus,
more than ever aware that here will never be enough.

and so we walk...

I probably shouldn't write this right now due to a severe night shift hangover but I feel like writing and don't have the energy to get up and get my journal from my room. wow, I'm lazy.

Anyways, life is good. The past 2 months have been rough to say the very least but God is good and I feel like I'm surfacing on the other side a little wiser with a little more humility and an ever-increasing awareness of my lack of control and God's faithful keeping of my heart. There's this line from a JJ Heller song that plays in my head.."There is no place I can go where you don't already know how to reach right down and pull me out"...a truth that is sweet but hard to believe when you feel like the darkness is engulfing every tiny glimmer of hope. Circumstances suck sometimes and suffering is real but so is God. and He's more faithful and more constant and committed to giving life and pushing back the darkness and bringing freedom and joy in the midst of this fallen world. and I really do believe that even on the hard days. And God is still on His throne. And so we walk..

I'm not gonna lie, I'm weary. My heart feels like it's been soaked through, stepped on, tossed around, and wrung out. but God is making me new. and He makes beautiful things out of messes. and his ideas are much better than mine. every time.

how do people live in this world without knowing Jesus? I just don't get it..

this book.

I've been wanting to blog about this book I just read and am now re-reading for a long time but it's one of those things in life that is so big, so beautiful, so profound, so transformational that words just won't even begin to capture how God is using it to change my heart. He's using it to love me.

The book, One Thousand Gifts is written by a woman named Ann who is a farmer's wife, home-schooling mom to 6 children, and a lover of Jesus who is honest about the brokenness and loss that comes with living life and following Jesus. She is also a poet and her words paint pictures and capture beauty and mess in a way that very few do. The book is her story of thankfulness. A friend dared her to make a list of 1,000 gifts, 1,000 things she's thankful for and she had no idea how God would use the things on that list to convince her of His love.

so, I'm gonna start with a quote and I'm sure there will be many more thoughts to come--

"I, too, had read it often, the oft-quoted verse: 'And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Eph 5:20). And I, too, would nod and say straight-faced, "I'm thankful for everything." But in this counting gifts, to one thousand, more, I discover that slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life. A lifetime of sermons on "thanks in all things" and the shelves sagging with books on these things and I testify: life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time." p. 40

yeah, just go ahead and buy the book. it's worth it.

a timely poem

a friend sent me this today. if only she knew how much I needed to read it.

Light Shining out of Darkness

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill,
He treasures up His bright designs,
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan His work in vain:
God is His own interpreter,
And he will make it plain.

William Cowper
(1731 - 1800 Hertfordshire, England)